Well sh!t, this isn't the post I was planning to write
Welcome new travellers. Hello again old companions.
I've uncovered a new level of transparency in this work that I do. Unsurprisingly, it comes with a lot more vulnerability.
Turns out that the things we most want to hide are the very things blocking us from living fully.
What we want to hide is directly related to the expression of our truth in the world. Go figure.
A random Tik Tok (start watching at 4:39) "Adult Problem that Nobody Prepared You For" crystalized a resistance I've been having since I started being public online (over a decade ago), and especially since I've made the commitment to be as revealing and honest and transparent as possible about my spiritual practice.
“Your biggest supporters are going to be the strangers online, because nobody where you grew up wants to see you succeed in the same place that you came from.”
WHOA.
I don't actually know if this is true, but it sure as sh!t had an impact on me.
Like, yeah - I'm not fearful of strangers or new people judging me online, or in real life. What I fear are the judgements of people who used to know me, but aren't in my life anymore except in a superficial online way.
It's not everyone either, of course.
There are people from my past who would absolutely cheer me on and celebrate my success (you know who you are). BUT there are certain people whose faces pop up when I'm thinking of doing something that feels important to me, but may make me feel vulnerable. I'm pretty sure they not only wouldn't celebrate my success, they would be happier if I failed (you know who you are).
My particular failure fear is being fat.
Fatness is not a new subject around here - I've talked about it before, but it is becoming clear as a singular and resistant block to my moving forward in public authenticity.
“Fat” is neutral. It’s a triglyceride. It doesn’t have a value attachment until people assign negative or positive perceptions to “fat”. I’m fat - but I get to decide what that means to me. I get to decide if “fat” equals worthless.
The fear is of being judged as unworthy and not valuable because I'm fat.
This is my issue.
"You spot it, you got it." according to Paul Goudsmit. I also understand that our fears manifest themselves to us in particular ways so that we can understand what the real fear is - and that the fear ultimately has it's home in our view of ourselves.
My big fear is that I'm not and won't ever be able to accept myself as I am, right now - which is the goal. Acceptance. Allowing.
Accepting myself exactly as I am. Allowing myself to be exactly as I am, right now. In all my fears and flaws and beautiful foibles. Exactly as I am.
I'm afraid that I'll reject myself. I'm afraid that I'll disgust and sicken myself.
I am so fearful of myself and distrust that I will love myself for who I am in the world, that I have resisted doing joyful things in public because I couldn't stand to see my own disgust and rejection mirrored in anyone else's face.
I have thought of my fat body as loathsome and repellant. I have been ashamed and humiliated in public by the limits of my fat body. I have been embarrassed by it's sweatiness and it's shortness of breath when doing physical things.
Shame and humiliation have never motivated me to change my body. The only call I hear these days is to accept and love.
The Holy Sh!t Handbook.
A Guided Journal Experience with Beloved Presence. First Chapter is yours for free.
Be where I am and love who I am, without conditions.
Without conditions.
Without conditions. Not “when I lose the weight”, or “when I walk every day” or “when I can fit into X, Y or Z outfit.”
NOW. Right now. Right this second, in my flawed and unfinished, ragged human self.
Right now. Without conditions.
It's a hard ask in a world full of judgement. It’s a hard ask in a world focused on the surface image.
It’s great to know there are people out there who will shit post you in real life for wearing fucking leggings. https://www.godvine.com/read/plus-sized-mom-received-hate-mail-leggings-1504.html
Ours so far, is a world of judgement that sees all things as separate and apart and different and other.
The video below had a large resonance for me. Especially near the end where Mickey says that a lot of fat people aren't looking to lose weight. What they are looking for is a way to accept and love themselves as they are - without feeling like they need to change or be different in order to be valuable and welcomed in our society.
I’m coming to terms with my own fatphobia and all the ways I use my fatness to hate myself.
Mickey is a supporter of HAES (Health at Every Size). Sydney Bell offers a great workbook around Body Sovereignty that I’ve used that helped me start to frame my relationship to my body with more compassion.
This wasn't the post I came to write today - but it's the post that I got. Do your best to love and accept yourself today, right now, exactly as you are.
Nothing else is required.
We are exactly as Creator intended us to be. We are Loved Unconditionally. Always.
The Holy Sh!t Handbook is here.
I have a Guided Journal and you can check out the first chapter for free.
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Say yes to your dreams and visions and believe that Creation has your back. Believe in you and the power of Beloved Presence and the Anam Mór to guide you. You are brilliant and talented and fabulous. Give yourself permission. I believe in you.