Believe in the Self in the Body
On Christmas Eve I was on a Zoom call with my classmate in TPC sharing our homework around trusting the process of spiritual healing.
There is a repeated cycle of healing that we all navigate that is described in a Course in Miracles in the Manual for Teachers.
It's called the Development of Trust; a cycle of undoing, sorting, relinquishment, settling down and then unsettling again and finally achievement, just in time to repeat the cycle of healing again.
The Fourth Turning
This kind of cycle of healing reminds me of repeating cycles of history in The Fourth Turning.
Cycle of Trust/Healing
It's messy and not at all linear, and often many learnings and healings are happening at different stages, all at the same time. The two areas of my life where I struggle the most are in my work/public life and my relationship with my body.
I hold the fear and belief that in order for me to live "a spiritual" life I will be forced into asceticism and will have to sacrifice my earthly loves and comforts.
Renouncing the world is some weird foundation belief that I have around living a spiritual life.
At heart, this is based in a false belief that the physical world is not also spiritual.
Wait Lezley, say that again.
“At heart, this fear of lack is based in the false belief that the physical world is not spiritual.”
It is a foundational belief that spirituality requires a sacrifice of all the joys of living and being in a physical reality.
On some foundational level, I don't believe that the Anam Mór wants my physical, earthly happiness. I believe it as an idea - over there, and I believe it for others, but not in practice in my own life, in my own body.
A Weird Childhood Synchronicity…
I was unable to spell “believe” correctly as a child. It was always "beleive".
So as homework, I was given a piece of foolscap paper to fill, back and front with the correct spelling of "believe".
I remember writing "I believe" dozens of times.
I do not believe in coincidence.
Humility and Desire
There is a struggle in me between getting what I want and being 'humble' and denying my self and my desires as more "holy".
It's a struggle between the life that I want to live and an inherited Protestant work ethic and belief in the "righteousness" of sacrificing self for others. I watched my mom sacrifice her own time and needs and desires to do for her family and I knew from a very early age that I didn't want to do that.
And I judged myself as wrong and bad and harmful and ‘not normal’ for not wanting what I’m supposed to want as a female of the species - motherhood. Ew.
I've spent my whole life feeling, and having it mirrored to me from strangers, family and friends; that prioritizing myself and my needs and desires and fulfillment was.... wrong or bad. And if not exactly bad, then at least selfish, and worthy of judgement.
The only solution to this is accepting my wants and desires as Creator given. I can only do this one small step at a time.
Accept and then act on that acceptance and see what happens… accept and then act on that acceptance and see what happens… I understand now that this is what is meant by faith. Putting our trust and action into the path of most love and joy for self and believing that that is the path of Spirit.
“What if our greatest desire and vision for our lives is the one we’re supposed to be following? ”
What If?
This sometimes stops me dead in my tracks. Moments of illumination where there is no doubt and no questioning - just the knowing that the vision I have for my life; in the greatest joy and love and fulfillment is the path.
And all of Creation and Spirit gathers in support…
Then I immediately have to grapple with “not good enough” and all the other garbage thoughts. It’s exhausting.
Knowing the Outcome beforehand..
I want to know the outcome before I act.
This is dumb.
But also so indicative of the choices I've made and why I've pursued the entrepreneurial paths I have instead of being open and clear about being a teacher of Beloved Presence.
I wanted to know that I was going to be successful before I started and it seemed more likely to be able to do work that wasn't overtly spiritual. Oh geeze.
“Hedge your dreams and end up with nothing.”
The Weirdness
The things that I get excited about are a little weird. Probably not weird to people on my vibe - but weird to most people... who don't matter to me on the path that I'm walking.
I can know all this in my head, but I can't know it until I walk it in my body. I need to know the truth of pursuing true calling in my body.
Everything is just speculation until we walk it in the body.
No pay for spiritual work
There are two lessons I've learned very recently about working a spiritual life and moving my life to align with a spiritual teaching foundation.
The first is that I won't ever be paid for spiritual work.
I know there are some who will disagree and you can, go ahead, but this is truth for me. There is no amount of money that will ever trade equally for spiritual truths learned. No amount of money will ever be enough to pay back assistance given and received in healing. I learn and heal when I teach and there is no monetary value that will ever cover the magnitude of that relationship.
However, my living expenses have monetary value and they can be covered.
I am not paid for spiritual and creative work. I am paid to have living expenses covered so that I can continue to do spiritual and creative work.
It may look like a play on words or interpretations, but it's given me a level of peace and understanding that I've never had towards living from spiritual and creative talents.
All marketing is just an invitation to join
As a spiritual teacher, marketing is just an invitation to join.
That's all.
Every marketing message is simply a call to come hang out with together and we do what I would be doing anyway - whether people respond or not.
Knowing yourself is the path of Spirit
We can’t begin to fulfill our desires unless we’re knowing our Selves and what we actually want, for really real - under all the “shoulds”.
Join The Cailleach Ken Library and walk the path back to re-membering Self.
You may also like…
Bodies are sacred. Following greatest desires is a learned skill - that we cannot learn until we trust and have faith that Creation and the Anam Mór are working tirelessly and lovingly on behalf of our dreams.
It’s all speculation until we walk it in our bodies.
Come dance with me.