You are exactly who you need to be

I’ve spent most of my life fighting for the right to be who I am.

Or that’s how it feels.

I knew what I didn’t want and how I didn’t want my life to go, but I discarded the beautiful, joyful dreams that were acting like a compass to show me which way to go for happiness.

Paul says that we're really good at knowing what we don't want - but that doesn't normally help us because we need to become conscious and advocate and live in the truth of what we DO want.

I know what I want, I've just been afraid to accept it.

I’ve been too afraid of the consequences of what it means if all my joyful dreams are real.

We cannot, ever, sacrifice our needs or wants to please another and remain in peace and joy and wholeness.

It's just not possible. I even wrote about it here, but I still didn't 100% accept the situation and it continued to irritate me.

So I brought it up to talk about in class, because that's where all the sh!t happens - when we're in communication with one another.

"I struggle with the expectations of who I'm supposed to be as a family member and friend and women and the expectations from society about what I'm supposed to want to be a part of... it's me accepting that the way I feel about it is perfectly okay... and it doesn't matter if no one else agrees with me, this is exactly what I need for me in my life."

And Paul being Paul, he had the exact right words to say to me to that got right to the heart of the matter.

“You can stand for where you are, and you can express what you are and what you feel and what you think without the need that somebody hears you, agrees with you, acknowledges you...

and you’re afraid that’s going to leave you alone, but what it’s going to do is attract new friends who will think the same way with you... if you continue to stand there for that.

Because sacrificing that feels like sacrificing yourself.”

— Paul Goudsmit ICU

John shared this with me during class. It’s the medicine I needed.

I’ve wasted a lot of time waiting for permission. Even when I knew that was happening, that was what I was doing, how I was stalling - I still wasted my time waiting for people outside myself to “allow” me to be me.

It’s exhausting. And it’s over.

You are exactly who you need to be and who you are is loved and loving and glorious and needed in the world.

What you have to give is needed and wanted in the world.

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