The stories of our worthlessness have been greatly exaggerated.
Surprise! I was triggered in my TPC class (no one is surprised).
I reacted with anger and was caught up in my patterns of trying to be right and then removing myself from the people and the problem.
Except the problem was me.
It’s always us.
If we have an emotional reaction to a situation, the problem is us.
It doesn’t mean that other people aren’t contributing to the conflict in some way - but our emotional reactions are ours. Those who do not share the same family system upbringing and emotional traumas and wounds we have may react differently. Some people may have no reaction to the situation at all and vice versa.
©Gary Larson
All emotional reactions belong to the one having the emotions and reaction.
(This doesn’t mean other people can’t be dicks. It just means that we are responsible for our own emotions in all situations.)
The Story
I like stories. I think they’re important.
I understand the value of not getting caught up in our own (or others’) stories because we are more likely to miss out on the emotional patterns and unconscious reactions that need to become conscious for real healing to occur.
Stories are human.
Stories connect us to each other and the humanity underlying our experiences. Even if we have very different family systems, we can still relate to the story or experience being shared.
We always think we’re doing the right thing
Isn’t that funny? Or horribly disturbing.
Even the most heinous act is done because we thought we were doing the right thing. It may be based in ignorance, like trying to stay coherent in a dysfunctional world view or honour distorted beliefs… all of that is true, but we still thought we were doing the right thing.
In class we had to pair up to do the 5 step process that helps us manage our emotional reactions. It helps us when triggered to use the 5 step to watch the emotional process and get through the emotion to identify the trauma trigger and then heal from that point.
I’m so meta. I was triggered over the trigger process. Nice.
We had to pair up and 2 other students contacted me to work through their process with them. I’ll call those students Martin and Judy.
Judy asked to be involved in the process I had already arranged with Martin. I had specifically said I wasn’t available then because I was working with Martin. I put up a boundary and avoided answering the ask directly because I thought I was protecting Martins feelings about being able to work through triggers in a safe space. Plus, I wanted to work with Martin alone and fuck off already Judy, I hadn’t invited you into my space, get your own.
Sad face pouting Lezley.
What occurred to me briefly in the moment, was that the best thing I could do was to ask Judy to contact Martin and see if he was okay with her joining our session and then the burden of protecting Martin’s safety is on Martin where it belongs. As Paul said to me later, “Martin can take care of himself.”
Except NO.
Instead, what I did was double down on excluding Judy from MY group and become more and more angry when she insisted on being included. Every ask felt like an invasion and a betrayal. Every ask made me feel disrespected and diminished.
The morning of our scheduled process, Judy texted me to say she had talked to Martin and he’d invited her to join our group, so she’d see me then… or we could still work together if I wanted.
Welp.
Wasn’t I betrayed and angry.
Going behind my back to talk directly to Martin!? (Which was the fucking voice of reason in the moment that I had ignored.) Martin just LETTING her join our group without asking me if it was okay!? She can still work with me - IF I WANTED - like she’d do me the fucking favour?
BETRAYAL. ANGER. DISRESPECT.
Geezus Christ.
THIS is the education human beings need. How to manage triggering emotional events without making everything worse and creating a situation that we can’t fix.
This is me in the turmoil of my own emotional sh!t.
So I asked for help
Because what the fuck else can I do? I knew this was my issue. As much as I wanted Martin and Judy to be the problem I knew that my feelings were my feelings and I was the cause of my current emotional distress. I couldn’t handle this well on my own and I needed help.
I texted the assistants in the class, one of whom suggested I contact Paul directly and if he was able, he would help.
And he did.
Paul with his porno ‘stache. Lol.
Paul worked the 5 step with me and I was able to express all my anger and hurt about the situation. Every shitty little angry thought about how I felt or what felt like it had been “done” to me and all the blame and attack shit was allowed and encouraged to be expressed.
When all of that is out, what’s left is what really hurts.
It’s sadness &/or fear. Always.
In my life I’ve allowed myself to be sad, but I haven’t allowed fear.
I am mostly afraid.
At the core of this situation is the fear that I don’t matter. That I’m not important, that what I want and create in this life is worthless and dismissible.
I am worthless and dismissible. I am disposable. I am powerless.
Dark roots.
The Roots of Pain and Fear
The roots of trauma are tricky because for most of us they look like simple day to day events that can be easily dismissed as ‘no big deal’. It’s easy to judge ourselves and our reactions and reject the events as not being important enough or traumatic enough to cause any lasting trauma.
“Oh, now you’re having feelings about your feelings.”
For our inner child, those traumatic events were significant, scarring, harmful and have created false beliefs about ourselves and the world we live in for the rest of our life.
THIS IS NOT INSIGNIFICANT.
We don’t have to grow up in a war zone or be abandoned in a crack house to feel the traumatic effects of our childhood.
If you hear me say anything, here me say now that the feelings and experiences of your life are real and valuable.
When Paul asked me when I’d first had those feelings of betrayal and worthlessness and powerlessness I had an immediate flash of a childhood event.
It’s not even a new event. I immediately dismissed this event as being ‘not it’ because I thought I had resolved the emotional intensity around this event years ago.
Wrong. WRONG. lol.
Tying my fucking shoes
When I was 4 or 5 I was learning to tie my shoes. This particular day my mom had zero patience left to wait for me to try to tie my shoes myself. I was super obstinate and wouldn’t accept help.
I had to do it by myself. So she couldn’t even do it for me so we could get on our way.
On this day my mom threatened to leave me at home if I couldn’t get my shoes tied. Of course this stressed me out more and I had even less success at tying my shoes. The harder I tried, the worse it got and the more frustrated my mom felt, until she finally left.
She left. SHE LEFT.
And she didn’t come back.
That was a lot.
My little kid brain registered that this was fucked up. Parents threatened to leave, they threatened all the time about really shitty things… but they didn’t actually do it.
My mom left.
I was traumatized. I was betrayed and rejected and disposable and discarded and I didn’t matter and wanting to tie my own shoes didn’t matter and wanting to do it myself meant that I had to do it perfectly and quickly or I would be punished and I couldn’t learn in safety and I couldn’t practice in safety and security and if I didn’t catch on and excel quickly I would be betrayed and discarded.
And I am powerless to do anything about it.
This may be the great fear of my life: I am worthless and I’m powerless.
It was an eternity of fear and shame and then my brother came back.
My brother came back and said, “Don’t worry, I won’t leave you alone.” and I was immersed in gratitude for his bravery and caring. He has always been my protector, until he wasn’t.
It’s significant that this event is the one that’s coming up in light of my current family situation. I write about my family system on the email list. Join below if you want more of that.
Paul helped me connect to this seed nugget of error. This seed belief that I am worthless and powerless.
I used the situation with Judy and Martin to prove that I don’t matter and that what I want and create doesn’t matter and that I’m dismissible, disposable and powerless.
That’s what we do when we’re emotionally triggered.
We’re using the current situation to prove to ourselves that the mistaken beliefs we created in childhood are true.
Emotional triggers are an opportunity for us to work through the top layer and get to the mistake beneath. “Generous triggers” according to Alanis.
The final step of the process is to reassert the truth of who we really are, which is one with Creator and loved unconditionally.
We cannot ever be worthless.
The Universe is incomplete without us. How can we be worthless if we are one with Creator? Our existence speaks to our value. We wouldn’t be if Creation didn’t see value in our existence.
How can we be powerless when we are one with all of Creation? How can we be powerless when we are Co-Creating our existence with the Guide that never fails?
The beauty and immensity of Creation is humbling and uplifting.
The One Mistake
I make the same mistake over and over again.
I forget that when I limit myself to this small and frail body and think that anything about my Self or my life originates in this seemingly separate and limited single self, I would feel worthless and powerless.
This is the mistake.
The truth is that this body is just a tool and a vehicle. The one Guiding is infinite and powerful beyond measure.
My job is not to BE CREATOR, but ALLOW Creator to be present in all that I do.
Just allow Beloved Presence to be.
Every pain and problem is the mistaken belief that we’re separate from Creator and separate from each other. The answer is always allowing ourselves to experience oneness with each other in the Mind of Creator.
It’s simple, but I need a constant reminder.
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We are Divine Wholiness together. You are God. You are Beloved Presence. You are the World, the Universe, all of Creation.
I ask uncomfortable questions and I speak uncomfortable truths. I have always done so and lived a good portion of my life believing that I was the problem. I spent most of my childhood and adult life being told to shush, or being called inappropriate because I ask questions that make people uncomfortable. I don't ask to be malicious or to judge. I ask because I am genuinely curious about you and your world and would like to know and understand who you are and how you see yourself in the world.