Part Two - Who are You?
I work in retail, and I struggle.
If you're on a self-aware spiritual path, retail is a great place to work triggers. For sure someone will show up who will throw an emotional bomb into an otherwise beautiful morning.
Story Time
This has been taking care of my tit rash. Yay.
Between difficult customers, unattainable production deadlines and some weird rash on my boob (that I thought was a burn because I did actually burn my tit on the oven, but now is probably not a burn because another tit rash showed up, and that's not how burns work), taking my mom to chemo treatments, plus Ontario Health urging me to get a mammogram and colon cancer screening because now that I'm 50, I'm way more likely to die... it's just been a lot.
Remembering wholiness is harder when we're stressed out. Remembering to see you as Beloved Presence in a retail environment is hard when I’m emotionally triggered.
Who you are to me is totally dependent on how I choose to see you.
Who I am to you is totally dependent on how you choose to see me - and that's how we create the world.
I had an emotionally explosive day at work.
The Sour Man
A sour customer yelled at me, for awhile... and I'll just put this here right now; I don't care what happened in your commerce experience, if we're yelling, we're choosing badly.
It's a dick choice. Stamped it. No erasies.
Yelling at customer service people is the wrong choice. Always. In every situation. Emotionally regulate people, c'mon.
Since doing the work at ICU, I no longer have self-righteous anger to work as my shield against raging customers. It's gone.
NOW… now I just get to feel the fear.
Which, is actually good because I'm not trying to waste time and energy determining how Sour Man is at fault for yelling and how he should be - he can be whatever way he wants. I am only responsible for my reaction and my response to his anger.
A caveat to this; Paul says intention matters:
“If my intention is to intimidate and control by creating fear - then I have to own my intention to create fear. I am at fault for the fear I intended to create. I need to own the consequence of my harmful intention.
If my intention is to mislead or hide or misdirect or cover up - then I have to own that intention and the results of that intention.”
When we choose to communicate in authenticity and wholeness - the reaction can still be negative; but we are not responsible for other people's reactions to us, unless we are purposely trying to manipulate them. Intention matters.
If my intention is to see everyone as Beloved Presence and communicate with them from that place of wholiness, then that is mine to own. Ideally, communication comes from joining, from coming together - but we can only be responsible for our part and our intention.
My reaction to Sour Man was not the placid still waters of enlightenment. I felt fear and overwhelm and got that brain fog where I couldn't remember how to work the register or do a refund. I was un-tethered and overwhelmed and no longer fully embodied.
What I needed at that moment was to take care of myself and attend to my needs to come back into grounding and back into my body and back into a sense of safety.
I remembered Elder Jane saying that fear cannot exist when we can breathe.
So I stood and took in slow, deep breathes. In that moment, I took for myself the time and actions required for my well-being, regardless of the "acceptability" or feedback. I took slow, deep breathes to calm and care for myself and return myself to a sense of safety and embodiment in the face of fear and overwhelm. I promised myself as much time as I needed.
This attempt at self care seemed to deeply offend Sour Man.
He became derisive and scornful. He literally mocked me, and mocked what I was doing to return to calm.
Which was fine.
I was no longer there for him. I was taking the time I needed to be there for myself and ensure my own well-being. I told him I was overwhelmed and I needed a moment to calm down and be able to function again. He left.
Sour Man's wife finished up the refund with me. She was lovely and my day went on as normal - but this time, with greater trust in myself that I will advocate for my well-being and safety in scary situations.
I will no longer pretend that I'm not scared and I will prioritize my self-care and well-being over the visible automaton expectations of customer service.
I am a real person, with real feelings, and I'm not diminishing my emotional needs and safety in the name of customer service ever again.
Sour Man came in again a couple weeks later and he flat out refuses to deal with me. I consider this a win.
The Soul’s need for authenticity
This must have been my day for sour men because a second customer came in and yelled about one of my co-worker’s pants. He threatened to call the cops and the MP about... pants. PANTS. WTF people. Calm down.
I'm struggling right now as I attempt to navigate customer service and balance my need to engage in honest and authentic communication. Some people, and definitely the corporate heads, want customer service workers to be visible automatons - acquiescing servants 'making it right' for the customer at all times.
There is an underlying expectation that if we have feelings or human capacities at all, then they are to be only positive and smiling and acquiescent - regardless of how we’re being treated.
There are customers who view any restriction on their wants as rudeness. And then they complain about it.
"I want every item to have a coupon applied." Sorry, no. “You are RUDE.” Complaint lodged with head office.
There are customers that can’t emotionally regulate and cause harm to other human beings. My capacity to accept this kind of behaviour is limited.
Visible automatons are not what it means to interact with human beings. Customer service (until the AI takes over - and then we'll have actual automatons) is just filled with human beings.
How do I behave in customer service when I choose to see everyone as Beloved Presence and own 100% of my intention and my communication and 0% of your response or reaction?
It's starting off rocky.
Both of these ‘off the rails’ interactions were with men who were my age or older and of European descent.
Does it matter? I don't know.
But they weren't women and they weren't young and they weren't people of colour... so maybe some portion of our community think that they can be angry and harmful without consequence.
Maybe I have less patience with certain members of our community that remind me of my dad. lol.
Both customers calmed down and left only when they were treated with deference and submission. They needed indulgent coddling.
Is that the expectation for customer service?
I was emotionally raw for the rest of the day.
99% of my customers are AMAZING
I was grateful to the vast majority of my customers that day who were gentle with me and kind and loving. There was a whole counter of people who watched Sour Man yell at me. After he left the customers remaining were gentle and supportive and lovely.
Most had to wait for over 45 minutes to get service from me and while they waited, they created community with one another. They shared stories about their art and laughed and enjoyed themselves and I was amazed that I could have two such vastly different experiences in the same day.
It was literally having two different experiences of the world.
On my way home I had a big cry.
There was a little kid voice inside me that kept saying,
"Don't be mean to me. Don't be mean to me."
There was a lot packed into that little plea.
One part is the understanding that meanness is violence. It is a sneaky violence because it wounds the spirit without touching the flesh. Our first experience of meanness as children is experienced as a violation.
It's a violence and a violation. Meanness is trauma.
The Sour Man is Me
The second part is that customer service is constantly showing me how I treat myself.
We see the world and we treat the world the way we feel about ourselves. You show me how I treat me.
I was being treated meanly, rudely, dismissively, aggressively, angrily.
How am I treating myself that way? How am I and how have I treated others in that exact same way?
How am I derisive and scornful of self-care and responding with care to what my body needs? to what my emotional body needs?
The emotional reaction to sour man's meanness is the key to my piece. If his meanness wasn't in me, I would've been able to handle that interaction with more calm and and trust and safety. If their behaviour wasn't in me, it would have had nowhere to land and I would not be affected by it.
I wasn't in any real danger. He was customer service angry.
His meanness and anger reflected the meanness and anger in me and that's the only part that is my responsibility. I'm not responsible for his anger. I'm not responsible for his reactions. I'm not responsible for his expectations or his reasons or his excuses.
(On reading this later I also see how I was raised in a family or origin that DID make me responsible for how other people felt. My role was to minimize discomfort in others and to always be thinking of how what I was doing or saying or being was going to affect others. Ew.)
I am just and only responsible for my own meanness and anger in myself; towards myself and towards others.
What we believe about ourselves and how we treat ourselves is what we believe about others and how we treat others. The world will show you what you believe about yourself and how you treat yourself.
We are not being tested or punished.
Please don't think that bad things happen as a punishment. It is our emotional reaction to events that is the point of attention. Things are happening all the time. Life is filled from beginning to end with "things happening". It is our emotional response to the thing happening that holds the possibility of our growth and healing.
Every day I see my co-workers having emotional reactions to 'things happening' in very different ways - because we've all got our own individual mistaken beliefs about life. I see my co-workers unbothered by things that irritate me. My co-worker calmed down both Sour Man and Mr. Pants without being emotionally engaged or bothered at all by their anger and vitriol.
We're all being shown in our myriad of ways where we have been mistaken about ourselves and the world. Our emotional reactions are ours to own, and they are a key to unlock greater peace, love and understanding of ourselves and the world, if we're willing.
These two events unlocked for me greater understanding of my relationship to worth and how I deserve to be treated - and conversely, how others deserve to be treated.
I am worth taking care of. You are worth taking care of.
An example of this happens at my work all the time. The nature of retail is constant interruption. I have production and shop work to do that is completely separate from customer service and has it's own deadlines and stresses attached. This work that needs to be done doesn't stop people from needing things and help, all the time. My day is filled with interruption. My interruptions get interrupted. This is the nature of customer service.
As long as I choose to view interruptions as taking me away from the "real" work - I'm irritated and bothered. If I can surrender to the ask for help, I'm great. The interaction is great, the problem or question is answered and I get back to my other tasks.
It’s the surrender for me.
This reframing doesn't happen unless I'm aware. It doesn't happen unless I'm self-aware of my irritation and own it as my response to being interrupted with a request for help.
The irritation is a prompt. The disturbance to calm is a prompt. Irritation at being asked for help is a prompt for me to ask myself:
How am I not asking for the help I need?
How am I not supporting my self and my wants and needs?
How am I treating my wants and needs as "annoying interruptions to the real work" in my life? (WELP this one hit home. lol) These turnaround questions set up what I am needing in my own life for myself.
What do I want and need? What do I want and need moment to moment that I am denying myself because I don't think it's important?
The Balance of Service
There is a delicate balance between being in service to others and supporting our own wants and needs. We need both to be happy. Doing one at the expense of the others leads to disharmony and depression.
Being attuned to ourselves and the messages our body is sending us on all levels - spiritual, mental, emotional and physical is a necessary skill for well-being.
Our bodies are wisdom tools.
To be embodied is to make use of all the aspects of physical presence in spiritual service - which includes our own individual desires, wants and needs - which are also spiritually based.
Organized religions all over the world have delivered a big disservice and toxic belief to it's members around the needs of the Self and physical embodiment. The message has always pushed sacrifice of self for others and 'god' for future reward in heaven. The message has always treated our bodies as suspect and incarnation as a punishment.
Be here now.
Be fully incarnated here and embody your deserving of care and fulfillment on all levels. We cannot effectively care for others until we value self-care.
How we treat others is a reflection of how we treat ourselves.
We do the best for others when our care and attention comes from a place of abundance and fulfillment, instead of veiled need disguised as service.
This whole lesson culminated in fruition when I booked my first mammogram. I had a bit of an emotional reaction to it - which is a signal to look deeper.
Why am I reacting? What's happening? Am I crying because I have cancer? Super. Lol. No.
My tears were an emotional response to taking action that affirms effort and care of my physical body. My actions confirmed the value in my physical body and that my physical body is worthy of support and care.
Your physical body is just as sacred as your spirit.
Our bodies are not the flesh jails of the spirit. Our bodies are not meat suits, they are not containers for our soul. Our bodies are perishable, they will not last, but their fragility is part of their beauty. Like spring flowers that bloom for a short season, our bodies are literal physical expressions of our soul.
Your body is the expression of your soul in physical form. Your body is beautiful and sacred and divine. You are beautiful and sacred and divine.
Sakura Blossoms in Japan last for a brief time and are adored for this very same.
Divine Reminders:
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Think of a recent emotional trigger situation.
100% own your reaction and what is happening in you.
Journal about what happened and how you felt.
Be aware of the feelings and sensations in your body response as you remember the details.
Dig into what the body feelings and sensations have to communicate to you.
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Our body is a wisdom tool for knowledge.
The Soul is communicating through flesh - always communicating, always sending a message.
If you can, catch yourself focusing on what others are doing are saying or how they’re not understanding the situation or understanding you.Gently bring the focus back to your needs, your feelings and become aware again of your body’s communication with you.
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I’ve wasted a lot of time considering other people and what they do and do not know and what their wounds and triggers are and it’s nothing but an avoidance to doing my own work
Focusing on others is also a way of maintaining “superiority over” because we focus on how THEY are instead of how WE are.
Other people are none of our business.
We only have the obligation to see them as Beloved Presence. Period. Anything else is none of our fucking business.
People can be jerks and assholes - but that’s not what’s making us upset. People being jerks and assholes is not our business.How we feel about them being jerks and assholes is our business.
We’re actually upset by how we are affected by whatever they’re doing - and we see them as the source of our discomfort and the diversion to healing is that we want to control their behaviour.
It’s all an avoidance to focus on what we are being called to learn about ourselves.The trigger is our call to release a false belief about ourselves and the world.
Find the false belief
Every emotional trigger and upset is based in a false belief or ‘suspicion of self’ (SOS) in ourselves &/or the world.
Download the Bhraitheann Anam (Sensing Soul) Worksheet to help you connect to and dissolve the false belief that is causing you harm.
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Celtic re-connection has given me the greatest sense of belonging, in the physical world, in this body. All the ways that I have felt alienated from modern Western culture have been healed in the connection to my Celtic roots.