Being Praised as "Special" is a Harmful Lie
I was considered a gifted child.
I scored high on all the standardized tests. In elementary school, I was reading at a high school level. I liked to read and I read anything I could get my hands on in the house - which was mostly Readers Digest magazines. I had a large vocabulary and high language comprehension at an early age.
(In my house we had both types of Readers Digest. “Laughter is the Best Medicine” anyone??)
I was also considered "gifted" in art and was sent to an extra-curricular art school as a child.
I was not talented in math or number problems.
Bully-free zones in school were marvelous.
For a few years, I was sent to "enrichment" classes on a regular basis. They were fun, I think - well, getting out of regular class and spending time with a bunch of the "good kids" was great. There would be no bullying during enrichment.
I only remember 3 things from enrichment.
Being given a grape popsicle that tasted funny - old and freezer-y and the teacher being mad that I wasn't just grateful for the popsicle. As an adult I understand her reaction and I would probably have been annoyed by me too.
The only project I remember liking was writing and drawing our own children's books. But I also remember feeling tired and bored of it and rushing through it at the end, because it was due. It wasn't very good.
I remember being given sudoku-type number puzzles and failing miserably at them and wondering whether someone had made a mistake, because I didn't feel very “gifted”.
I remember being told, "You should know this."
A lot.
Which felt unfair because why were we getting in trouble for not knowing what should have been taught to us by someone else?
That looks uncomfortable. Image found here.
I think being "gifted" as a child can be a big problem for self-esteem and worth in adulthood. As a child, we're judged as "gifted" amongst a very small set of people. As we grow and move out into the bigger world, it's hard to stop being a big gifted fish in a little pond and end up being a mediocre fish in an ocean of fish that are better than us (and work harder at it than we do).
Like good eggs… or meat. Image found here.
I was never the top of my class in high school, but I was a respectable A student and was on the honour roll all 4 years... yada, yada.
I cried in my second year of university when I realized that all the "gifted / special" messaging in my life was actual bullshit and I was just a mediocre academic with mediocre ideas.
It was heart breaking.
I'm still trashing residual ideas of “gifted” from my identity because it impedes actual progress and functionality. The worst thing that the "gifted" label can teach a child is that what we can do is ”natural and we are born with it”. It's the difference between growing up being praised for being "gifted" versus being praised for "working hard".
The difference between praise for talent vs. hard work.
“Talent” we are born with and aren't responsible for - “hard work” is in our control and is based upon our willingness to work hard. One in still in our hands - the other is some fluke of flesh.
”Gifted” is often the luck of being born in the first months of the year.
Most of the "gifted and talented" children chosen just had the good luck of being born in the beginning of the year. At the early ages of school there is a huge developmental difference in 8 or 10 months. That's the difference between the kid born in February being chosen as "gifted" over the kid born in December. These differences even out over time as kids grow, but until then - one of these kids is getting the message that they are "born" with something better.
The earlier we're recognized as being "gifted" the less likely we'll be able to ask questions or ask for help as we grow up.
The messaging that comes to "gifted" children is that they “should know" already or are talented enough to go find the answers with little or no help.
Gifted kids have been recognized and praised as gifted and don't want to rock the boat or make anyone question their "giftedness". So they won't ask for help or support or say they don't understand words or concepts.
They won’t ask to be shown how to do something - it makes them feel stupid, because they’re already supposed to know.
I would never ask for advanced art concepts like “composition” and “rendering” be explained to me when I was a child because everyone else seemed to understand them and I didn’t want to look like the only one that didn’t know. I felt stupid for asking and I might reveal that I wasn’t actually “gifted” in anything.
We are more likely to try to figure it out ourselves or choose something else if it doesn't come easily.
”Gifted” kids can be big-ass quitters.
This is one of the greatest misconceptions that "gifted" children grow up with - that if a task doesn't come easily it should be put aside in favour of something that better supports the identity of "gifted".
We weren’t taught this directly - we picked it up by trying to maintain the fiction of “special”.
We weren't praised for working hard and being committed to a goal. We were praised for our natural "talents" and how things "came so easily", and were "effortless", that the common sense pathway of commitment and hard work wasn't cultivated.
I wonder about the kids that grew up with the constant message of "gifted" and "talented" and were supported in all their endeavours. They probably went out into the world thinking they were bullet proof or infallible. They either fell apart at the first failure or maybe became some sort of bully and used other aspects of their identity to get what they wanted.
It's important for every child to learn that they are part of a family, a school, a community and a society - but learning that truth doesn't have to crush the spirit of a child.
"That's pie in the sky."
"Who do you think you are?"
"Someone's getting too big for their britches."
Plus any other phrase that let’s you know that certain ambitions are frowned upon and that you had to be "special" to do certain kinds of things.
I know this can be hard for our inner child to accept (because if this isn’t true - what else about our life is a lie?) - but our parents weren’t perfected human incarnations, equipped with all the tools needed to raise us to our highest potential. They tried their best, but most of our parents raised us without being conscious of their own wounds and the inner work they required for their own well being.
Parents - not perfected humanity. “sigh” lol. Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
Our upraising was very good at putting limits on what we could and couldn't do and how far we could go in life. Our parents, for good or ill, raised us with their own limitations and wounds - which they handed down to us as if it was the truth of reality.
It's not truth. It’s not reality.
Scared for you. Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay
Parental fears and wounding are triggered when we have ambitions and ideas that are foreign to their comfort zone. My mom, and I love her, can only manage to be “scared for me” when I talk about my own business - regardless of what it is - her response is always fear.
So I stopped sharing my ideas and plans with her, and I stopped looking to her as a person who could support me on my intuitive, mystical path.
If you need support on your Upraising path…
Check out the resources in The Cailleach Ken Library. Cultivating connection with Spirit in the Natural World.
According to my Mystical Event - we're either ALL special, or none of us are because we're all connected. We're all one big giant organism. Either everyone and every thing in the universe is special or none of it is.
Having a support system that fills you up when you're depleted and gives you tips and pointers for this vague and intuitive path is better than being "gifted". Having a support system that encourages you to work hard and stay committed to your goals is better than the limits of being born "talented".
Developing your authenticity and individual voice is a better pathway to excellence than any kind of etheric "special" could be.
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