TW: child abuse

This may come across as judgemental - especially from someone without children. I don’t mean to offend, but I do think that European models of child-rearing are unnecessarily punitive and damaging.

I don't have children so my view of child abuse is always from the view of the child. I try to understand my parents and their motivations but I can't ever know what it's like to parent a child. 

I don't have it in me to raise a child in the way I believe children should be raised. I don't even want to try. I can't imagine giving so much of myself and my time and energy and essence to a bottomless pit of need. This isn't judgement - kids are needy-needy-needy, and I’m aware of my limitations.

I think we do parents, (mostly moms), a huge disservice by expecting them to raise kids alone or with a partner who probably isn’t doing their share of the work. Our children would have the best outcomes if they were raised by the whole community and had many safe and loving adults to seek out to fulfill their needs. It would be easier on the parents and less taxing for the whole community to share the job of giving attention and energy towards children. 

The following are some parenting styles that I resonate with and believe would produce healthier, more whole and balanced adults than some of the parenting styles to which I’ve been exposed.

Historical Indigenous Parenting Styles

Historical Indigenous parenting styles practiced a highly developed, whole parenting modality that contributed to whole, healthy children. The following are excerpts from Contemporary Practice of Traditional Aboriginal Child Rearing: A Review from The First Peoples Child & Family Review.

Child Autonomy

Aboriginal children are openly recognized and respected as persons and are thus encouraged to make their own decisions about how they wish to explore their environment (McPherson & Rabb, 2001 as cited in Neckoway et al., 2007). The concept of child autonomy implied allowing children the freedom to make their own decisions which leads to independence (Javo, et al., 2003). 

Extended Family

In Anishnaabe (Ojibway) communities, family included the nuclear family, the extended family, the community family (connected by a treaty), a Nationhood family (all Anishnaabe people, regardless of province or country), Clan family (such as deer or turtle clan, a spiritual aspect of family), and a cultural family (linked to Anishnaabe ceremonial practices) (Simard & Blight, 2011). There were many levels of family in Anishnaabe cultures. A fundamental and traditional value of Aboriginal peoples is that of kin, the interconnection of family, non-family community members who were involved in children’s socialization (McShane & Hastings, 2004). In the research, Aboriginal extended families were highly valued, interconnected and structured. 

I would like to add as well that kin-ship was extended to non-human people as well; the plants, trees, animals, insects, wind, water… all nature and beings in nature with which we share this world.

Developmental Milestones

Aboriginal cultures may understand developmental milestones differently than other groups. For instance, the Inuit looked at each child individually and then tailored their approach to developing autonomy and respecting the distinct ability of that child instead of assuming identical levels of development for all children of the same age (McShane et al., 2009). 

Discipline

In many Aboriginal communities it appeared that parents did not readily use physical punishment with their children. In a study of Aboriginal children from two southern California counties, Dionne, Davis, Sheeber and Madrigal (2009) found that the disciplining of children was used cautiously with aforethought and patience. Strict discipline was seen as very strong “medicine”, whereas positive play, affection and praise, or “good medicine” might be used more frequently so as to strengthen the child (Dionne et al.). In Cheah and Sheperd’s (2011) study, Aboriginal mothers were less likely than European Canadian mothers to force the child to behave appropriately, threaten with negative consequences or use punishment when responding to proactive aggression in their children. The Aboriginal mothers in that study were more likely to respond to aggression in their children with goals that teach values, societal rules or important life lessons which could benefit the child (Cheah & Sheperd, 2011). 

This is a very small selection from the paper and speaks directly to ways of child-rearing that resonate personally. This paper was written within the context of the effects of colonialism and residential school systems.

It’s a free download - please click the link or peruse the website for more information.

Conditioned to Accept Disrespect and Abuse

I think most of us have been raised in abusive homes, even when there was no obvious abuse, because therapy has only just started to be normalized. Parents of the past never processed their sh!t. They accepted the abusive child-rearing they received as normal and then passed it on to their own kids without an ounce of self-reflection. 

Parents of the past have consistently used their relationships with their own children to fill their own adult needs without being aware of the abuse they are creating. And it is abuse.

Any treatment of a child that is not loving and respectful, is abuse. 

Parents are human and we fuck up. I for sure, have handed my step-kids abuse on a platter. I have also apologized for it when I'm aware of what I've said or done that wasn't loving and respectful. I've also been called out by them for abusive behaviour that I was unaware of - and I have apologized and tried to be more aware and do better in the future. 

Kids don't need perfection, but they deserve to be treated with love and respect and care at all times, by everyone. And when they are not treated that way, we need to encourage their right to call out the mistreatment and hold the expectation of a behaviour change or they will exit themselves from the situation. 

I'm not judging parents. I don't know what it's like to parent and I don't want to do it. I know what kind of treatment I would have liked when I was a child, and it necessitated my parents going to therapy and healing their own sh!t. 

That's all. Let's heal our sh!t before we pass it on to the next generation. 

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